In order to love in a real way, Thich Nhat Hanh explains, we need to learn how to be fully present in our lives. In True Love he offers readers the technique of conscious breathing as a method for synchronizing the mind and body to establish the conditions of love.
The 4 Aspects of Love
According to Buddhism, there are four elements of true love.
1. Loving-kindness or benevolence
The first is maitri, which can be translated as loving-kindness or benevolence.
Loving-kindness is not only the desire to make someone happy, to bring joy to a beloved person; it is the ability to bring joy and happiness to the person you love, because even if your intention is to love this person, your love might make him or her suffer.
Training is needed in order to love properly; and to be able to give happiness and joy, you must practice deep looking directed toward the person you love. Because if you don’t understand this person, you cannot love properly. Understanding is the essence of love.
What must we do in order to understand a person?
We must have time. We must practice looking deeply into this person. We must be there, attentive; we must observe, we must look deeply. And the fruit of this looking deeply is called understanding.
Love is a true thing if it is made up of a substance called understanding.
The second element of true love is compassion, karuna.
This is not only the desire to ease the pain of another person, but the ability to do so. You must practice deep looking in order to gain a good understanding of the nature of suffering of this person, in order to be able to help him or her to change. Knowledge and understanding are always at the root of the practice.
The practice of understanding is the practice of meditation. To meditate is to look deeply into the heart of things.
The third element of true love is joy, mudita.
If there’s no joy in love, it is not true love. If you’re suffering all the time, if you cry all the time, and if you make the person you love cry, this is not really love–it is even the opposite. If there’s no joy in your love, you can be sure that it is not true love.
The fourth element is upeksha, equanimity or freedom.
In true love, you attain freedom. When you love, you bring freedom to the person you love. If the opposite is true, it is not true love. You must love in a such a way that the person you love feels free, not only outside but also inside.